| hi, 2009 |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|10:47 pm] |
really tempting to break resolution #1 but i'm going to stick with it.
just some accountablility here..
The 7 things I hate about you, oh you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends, they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you
& of course Katy Perry's Hot n' Cold, cause that's exactly what he is.
this post was lameeeee but i needed it |
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| My New Year's Resolutions |
[Dec. 30th, 2008|02:42 am] |
1. I will erase Adam from my life if he does not shape up by the 1st.
2. I will not sleep with anybody new that I do not start to like first.
3. I will shape up my body image and gain more self esteem. (+esteem = +respect)
4. I will pledge to a sorority.
5. I will be the best friend I can be to Allie, no matter what happens at Southern.
6. I will make a better attempt to save and council my money.
7. I will stay in touch will all of my friends over the summer and continue my friendships Fall '09 semester to the best of my ability.
The lucky 7..... |
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| Tuesday week 8 |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|03:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
Midterms. 'nough said.
[friends] I keep telling myself I only miss a few, but then a few turns into a group, and then the group turns into all of my past memories and all I've ever known.
Deep inside I keep wondering do they miss me as much as I miss them? I hope so.
There will never be anyone like you guys that will hold such a dear place in my heart. Oh how sweet growing up was.
(And still is) |
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| Tuesday Week 7 |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|01:43 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dorm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Halloween Head | ] |
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
I'm not completely sure why I'm always letting stupid relationship woes bother me. But that's what is on my mind right now and I'd love some advice from an elder, rather than a peer but I can't seem to find anyone who can really help me at this state or hour.
Maybe I'll come to a conclusion here.
I know that I don't want to make a decision anytime soon about anything. Rushing things isn't going to do me any good, but I do need to be cautious of other women moving in on my current prey.
One problem is things with Adam just haven't been the same since the Brittany/Dan situation. I find it pretty fucking convenient that they hooked up right after my stupid weekend with Dan. As much as he claims that it "just happened" I still feel like it was a revenge plot, which if turned out to be true would really hurt me. But on the other plate if it did truely "just happen" as claimed, how many other times has it or will it just happen? I feel like I've lost all trust and it's being slower than a snail to gain it back. I want to trust Adam again, just like before all the drama, but I can't bring myself to. I'm always wondering if he's not just fucking her whenever he wants and isn't telling me. I've found it's very easy to keep secrets from each other.
But I'd never ever wish that Jeff hadn't told me.
The thing is with Adam I love the fact that I haven't been able to predict a future with him and end it before anything has ever even started. I love talking to him and he puts up with my whining and still antics of being a woman. And he is so different from everyone else. He's fun. He's humorous. He's genuine. I can picture myself just laying down with him for hours and not being bored for one minute. He's got an immaturity about him that I can tolerate and he's completely different than any other guy I've either dated or been interested in. He's fantastic. Near perfect, as much as he denies it. And I like the fact that he can call me beautiful and I'm actually starting to believe him.
But when Someone Else called me beautiful that night, as sweet and heartwarming as it was, I just couldn't believe it. Alcohol is a truly horrific poison that mind-fucks you completely. Someone Else will not be named until I form a better friendship with him, but I will say this: he seems to be very real and very, very sweet. Stephanie said he took care of me all night, although I don't recall him being with me at all. But from what I do know he's worth giving a try if he's interested. But how could I date someone when I'm waiting for Adam? Is that even fair? What I've done and not told has been more than unfair for Adam but what he doesn't know will only kill me inside. But isn't that what I'm supposed to do as a woman? Keep secrets and slowly let them kill me inside? Seems to be something every woman does. I'm starting to learn this. Anyways, my perhaps relationship with Someone Else reminds me of this song:
[Song for Aberdeen by Ando Diao]
She was an alcoholic artist with too much makeup
Round her eyes and I never knew her real name
She was sunbeam wrapped in lies but I love her
And I'm sorry and that's all there is to say
It's like fairy from the ancient time and I hope it stays that way
And when I woke up on your kitchen floor
With a headache made in hell and the flowers that I gave you smiled at me from the window pane
Then I thought I must be crazy 'cause I'm feeling kind of good
And then when satan helped me up again
It was then I understood
Well I was never meant to be a good boy
I was never meant to go to school
Well it's guys like me who get somewhere
'Cause everybody pity a fool now it's payback for the rainy days now it's no more me and you
Well I got mine you got yours babe now it's payback
Now it's me against the world it was the last time I forgave you...
And the lyrics to that song brings me to my third boy, I'll refer to him as Mattel. Lust > Love there. And it will probably always be like that. Mags puts it so simply saying "use him til he's useless". Easier said than done. Or maybe not. Mattel's hot. I mean, like really hot. But I can't be 100% sure that he has used someone else or will try to use me. How do I know he hasn't been used before? I don't want to hurt anybody like that. I can't see him ever being boyfriend material, but if Mattel asked me to be his girlfriend I wouldn't say no. Which is not only stupid but scary. I just have a feeling he's one of those guys that isn't boyfriend material, ever. But that would just make a bad person to use and lose. Nobody deserves that. But the lust, oh god the lust.
I don't want to hurt anybody like that.
I think I know what I need to stop doing and start thinking about what I have to lose rather than gain.
Just remind me everyday: Be good or be gone.
Pumpkin, I think I could love you.
But would you love me back? |
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| Thursday Week Six |
[Sep. 25th, 2008|09:49 am] |
Well there wasn't an entry for yesterday because I didn't get home until 3:30 last night. Michelle and I had the bright idea to go out after the Mae Smith 'Sex in the Dark' party/informational thing. I guess it's a good thing we went to that because it had me freaked out that everyone is infested with STDs and if I even touch anyone I'm going to get HPV and herpes. We went to Stephanie's friend Sean's house (well I guess he's technically my friend now too) and chilled with he and his roomate Josh. We played ride the bus, Irish poker, and circle of death, it was a grand old time. but I guess Ken told Sean and Josh stuff about last weekend, and the state that I was in then I say really stupid stuff, and I don't even want to know what Sean heard, but Josh ended up calling him and having me talk to him. I felt really stupid because it was a school night for him and just really awkward in general.
Anyways this all really sounds like a juvenile story but I'm getting to my point. I don't understand guys here. Honestly, they were SO easy to figure out in highschool and then I get here and it's like they'll all went to the store and picked up a new bag of tricks. but it's coming down to just I don't know.
I'm instant messaging Allie right now and this all doesn't really matter much anymore. I'm not sure where I was going with this.
So do I choose between seizing the day or waiting for perhaps a perfect moment? |
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| tuesday week 6 |
[Sep. 23rd, 2008|02:50 pm] |
I'm really glad I found this again. Even though I had to look up my username and then change my password because I didn't remember either of them. I wanted to keep a hard journal during my college years but that's so junior high in a way. And I kept asking myself what's the point if no one could ever read it?
I started to reread all of those surveys I filled out TWO years ago (yes over 730 days) and considered re filling some of them out again since I've been at the university for over a month. but the I realized that college is life experiences as an adult and the answer to all of those is going to be yes in a short matter of time.
I really can't believe all I've seen, done, and learned in a matter of six weeks. It seems like too much for me to handle. I've done more in forty two days than I have in the entire four years of high school. I guess that must be how it is with every new experience. I find it fascinating that I'm here at the start of this and I already feel that it's going by too fast. I want it to slow down and I want to take everything I can from it.
but if I'm going to be writing about this I want it to be raw and unedited. I don't want to keep things out because I'm afraid someone will see it or that I'd be embarrassed of my own actions. So let me make a list of things I will NOT do
1) I will NOT leave anything that happens to me here out of my blogging. If it's part of the story it gets told.
2) I will not let myself get out of control.
That being said I think it's time for a recap of today. I went to be last night after watching the Hills on MTV and I probably fell asleep at 10:30. I got up today at 10:15. I don't think I've had that much sleep in one day since I've been there. I then got up brushed my teeth, made a poster on binge drinking for English, and called home. I talked to my mom and dad for a good time, heard about how things are at home, and finished a Student Loan promissory note that I apparently hadn't done yet. I was going to go to lunch with John and others but it took too long and I ended up going by myself after I was off the phone. I had a hamburger, zucchini, fries, and soup. Overall it was a good meal. Then I came back to my room, watched two episodes of MTV's True Life (I'm looking for my mom and I'm the black sheep of my family) I then took a nap and woke up and showered. Here I am now. If anything exciting happens tonight I'll edit.
All that being said I think it's important to state that I love it here and I can't think of anywhere else I'd want to be right now.
Peace. |
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| I don't know how you wouldn't expect this... |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|09:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | senses fail | ] |
over summer 2006 have you..
1. met someone new?
Yes
2.kissed someone?
Yes
3. cried?
Yes
4. wanted someone you couldn't have?
Yes
5. been to the beach?
No
6. been to a party?
Yes
7. talked on the phone all night?
Yes.
8. stayed up all night?
Yes.
9. Went shopping?
Yes
9. been out of state?
No
11. been hit on?
No
13. been asked out?
No
14. asked someone out?
No
15. got in a car with a stranger?
Sort of
16. slept in someone elses bed?
Hehe YES
17. got drunk?
No
18. been to a club?
No
19. been grounded?
No
20. fell in love?
One could say...
21. regret something?
Yes
22. been dumped?
No
23. lied?
Yes
24. done anything against the law?
Yes
25. been camping?
No
26. got in a fight?
No
29. smoked?
Yes
30. stayed at a hotel?
No
31. made out with any one?
Yes
32. gotten a job?
Maybe
33. liked/like someone?
Yes
Post this as "summer confessions" |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|06:55 am] |
1. Made out for more than 3 minutes? yes
2. Slept in a different bed? yes
3. Made out in a movie theatre? nop
4. Made out with 2 different people in one night? yes
5. Thought your cousin was hot? no
6. Been in love? yes
7. Slept in? yes
8. Taken a shower with the opposite sex? no
9. Gone over the speed limit? yes
10. Painted your room? yes
11. Drove a car? mhm
12. Danced in front of your mirror? yes
13. Gotton a hickey? no
14. Been dumped? yes
15. Stolen money from a friend? yes
16. Gotten in a car with people you just met? yes
17. Been in a fist fight? ha. no
18. Snuck out of your house? yes
19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yes
20. Been arrested? no
21. Made out with a stranger? no
22. Left your house with out telling your parents? yes
23. Had a crush on your neighbor? no
24. Ditched school to do something more fun? yes
25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex? yes
26. Seen someone die? no
27. Been on a plane? yes
28. Kissed a picture? yes
29. Slept in until 3? yes
30. Love someone or miss someone right now? yes
31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yes
32. Made a snow angel? yes
33. Played dress up? yes
34. Cheated while playing a game? yes
35. Been lonely? yes
36. Fallen asleep at work/school? yes
37. Gotten Drunk? no
38. Felt an earthquake? yes
39. Touched a snake? yes
40. Ran a red light? no
41. Been suspended from school? no
42. Had detention? no
43. Been in a car? yes
44. Hated the way you look? yes
45. Witnessed a crime? yes
46. Been lost? yes
47. Been to the opposite side of the country? no
48. Felt like dying from embarrssment? yes
49. Cried yourself to sleep? yes
50. Sang karaoke? yes
51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? yes
52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? yes
53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes
54. Kissed in the rain? no
55. Sung in the shower? yes
56. Had a dream that you married someone? yes
57. Played getting married? yes
58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no
59. Ever gone to school partially nude? no
60. Been a.... a hoe? yes
61. Sat on a roof top? no
62. Didn't take a shower for a week? yes
63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone? yes
64. Played chicken? yes
65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes
66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? yes
67. Broken a bone? yes
68. Been easily amused? yes
69. Laugh so hard you cry? yes
70. Cheated on a test? yes
71. Forgotten someone's name? yes
72. Blacked out from drinking? no
73. Played a prank on someone? yes
74. Gone to a late night movie? yes
75. Made love to anything not human? no
76. Failed a class? no
77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? no
78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? no
79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend? yes
80. Celebrate the 4th of July? yes
81. Thrown strange objects? yes
82. Felt like someone? yes
83. Thought about running away? yes
84. Ran away? no
85. Had detention and not attend it? no
86. Made parents cry? yes
87. Cried over someone? yes
88. Owned more than 5 sharpies? yes
89. Dated someone more than once? yes
90. Have a dog? no
91. Own an instrument? yes
92. Been in a band? yes
93. Drank 25 sodas in a day? no
94. Broken a cd? no
95. Shot a gun? yes
96. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours? yes
WTF @ 97?
98. Have a major crush on someone right now? yes
99. Have a religion? yes
100. Thought about what people would say at your funeral? yes |
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| blah. |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|02:10 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cartel | ] |
I'm just sort of bored. I don't know why. And holy crap it is 2:15. I'm very sleepy.
I guess I'm going to bed.
I'll type my problems later. Heh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2006|03:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | fine. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the red jumpsuit apparatus | ] |
Wow, so I've been kinda busy lately. I decided that I love my friends. Very very much. and I finally like my mom. I think I can get over the depression because I can tell she's trying really hard now. And I'm happy for her. so Yay for my mommy.
I went shopping yesterday. W00t.
K, I'm going to go. |
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